BOOK: Fumblerules

Fumblerules, by William Safire

This thumbnail sketch of the pitfalls of English grammar is not only humorous, but a creative masterpiece as well. Even though it has been expounded upon in book form and is all over the Internet, I felt it's worth sharing again here. Quite often the people who need it most won't come across it if left to their own browsing habits and Google searches. This serves as my latest volley in the on-going "Grammar Jihad" that I'm waging against unwary Muslims - and anyone else who happens to read my posts. William Safire is the Pulitzer Prize-winning language columnist for The New York Times and author of a number of books including Fumblerules (which I was surprised to learn is listed as Out of Print on Amazon.com. Gee, what's the world coming to?).

• No sentence fragments.

• Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read.

• A writer must not shift your point of view.

• Reserve the apostrophe for it’s proper use and omit it when its not needed.

• Write all adverbial forms correct.

• In their writing, everyone should make sure that their pronouns agree with its antecedent.

• Use the semicolon properly, use it between complete but related thoughts; and not between an independent clause and a mere phrase.

• Don’t use no double negatives.

• Also, avoid awkward or affected alliteration.

• If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times: Resist hyperbole.

• If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

• Avoid commas, that are not necessary.

• Verbs has to agree with their subjects.

• Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

• And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.

• The passive voice should never be used.

• Writing carefully, dangling participles should be avoided.

• Unless you are quoting other people’s exclamations, kill all exclamation points!!!

• Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.

• Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

• Use parallel structure when you write and in speaking.

• You should just avoid confusing readers with misplaced modifiers.

• Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences—such as those of ten or more words—to their antecedents.

• Eschew dialect, irregardless.

• Remember to never split an infinitive.

• Take the bull by the hand and don’t mix metaphors.

• Don’t verb nouns.

• Always pick on the correct idiom.

• Never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

• "Avoid overuse of ‘quotation "marks."’"

• Never use prepositions to end a sentence with.

• Last but not least, avoid clichés like the plague.

In regards to "kill all exclamation points", I recently read someone who said that using exclamation points is the grammatical equivalent of laughing at your own jokes.

Some grammarians have taken unwarranted issue with some of Safire's rules - which aren't really his anyway. I don't think that William Safire means for all of them to be taken in an absolute sense, since there are always exceptions. However, at a minimum, all of them are good general rules that reside on the fringes of absoluteness.

By the way, ever hear the story of the first American to attend Oxford University? His first morning on campus he walked up to a distinguished looking English gentleman and asked, "Excuse me sir, but can you tell me where the library is at?" The Englishman sternly replied, "Young man, at Oxford University we never end a sentence with a preposition!" Hearing that, the American freshman retorted, "Okay. Can you tell where the library is at, jackass?"